Twas a while Before Christmas
   copied from Cornucopia of Disabilities on TurboGopher
 
   'Twas a while before Christmas when Santa Claus said,
   "Now the ADA's passed, I've a pain in my head.
   It used to be easy to hire the elves
   Who made all the toys and who stocked all the shelves.
   Then the time came when the Congress did say
   That I had to be careful about who I pay.
   So I went and got Rudolph to pilot my sleigh.
   He was racially different, so that was okay.
   I used to hire men elves but that had to stop.
   I had to let women elves into the shop.
   Then Buddhists and Muslims and Croats and Jews
   Became part of the mix from which I had to choose.
   And just when it seemed I had got used to all
   Then the ADA passed and it changed every call.
   Before I was forced to hire folks from all nations
   But now I am told to make accommodations!
   Who understands all that the new law demands?
   You must hire consultants! Put yourself in their hands!
   And the first thing they do with a gleam in their eyes
   Is to measure to see that the workplace complies
   With the myriad measurements needed and wanted.
   And then as if that didn't leave one quite daunted,
   They ask to see each of the jobs that I fill
   And express consternation at my lack of skill.
   `No, no,' they opine as they look at each task,
   `You demand for each job what you simply can't ask!'
   Then much to my horror, they quietly say:
   `Rewrite every job or you surely will pay!'
   Then 'round my poor workshop they frantically caper
   Clutching their tape measures, ogling each paper!
   They measure the steps and they measure the door
   And they mumble and grumble and total the score.
   Every nook and each cranny gets measured with glee!
   Then, with obvious joy, they report back to me!
   `You're not in compliance, dear Santa,' they say;
   `You must make many changes and starting today
   You must change every practice you currently use
   Rebuild every workshop and change who you choose.
   We don't say that anyone has to be fired!
   You can keep all the elves who you've currently hired!
   But choosing the next elf you need for the shop
   You must change every practice; this nonsense must stop!
   You must ask every elf-person here to apply
   Only orthodox questions, and, Santa Claus, try
   Not to ask about handicaps, that's not allowed!
   You must ask the same questions to all in the crowd.
   There is some good news; don't go into a funk
   You don't have to hire elves who are constantly drunk.
   But do not reject yonder bibulous elf
   If he says he's reformed, and is curing himself.
   Every child in the land would be properly shocked
   If Santa Claus found himself called to the dock.
   So alter your factory, change every plan
   And remove the impediments quick as you can!
   The children expect it and so does the law.
   And you can afford it! We noticed with awe
   All the toys you produce and the money you make!
   You will never regret all the trouble you take.
   Oh, by the way, Santa, we couldn't help see
   All your dolls are unblemished and clearly a. b.
   Make blind dolls and deaf dolls and crippled ones too
   That reflect population dispersion that's true!
   And Santa, we noticed with mortified shock
   That your toys may discriminate; jettison stock
   You cannot produce a toy, Santa Claus dear
   That talks and says things that a deaf kid can't hear.
   And all of those toys with a visual display
   Leave blind people out, so they're just not okay!
   The cars and the trucks that go fast when you race them
   Exclude all the children who simply can't chase them!'"
   And Santa Claus said, as he drove out of sight:
   "Let the parents give presents, I'm off to get tight."
   So the fear of the courts and that someone would sue
   Managed to do what the grinch couldn't do!
   No sleigh bells you'll hear on this Christmas Eve night
   Merry Christmas to all who continue the fight.